Just some Babble

Today is Scott's first long day with both jobs. I didn't get much sleep last night, so I feel very tired, but the kids are doing so great and haven't caused me much trouble since he left for the second job. For that I'm very grateful, and will be even more grateful if I can get them both down for a nap..........but I won't push my luck too much. I would say I could use quiet time instead but they already are being so quiet. Kiara's watching a movie in her room and Mikah is playing video games. The dog is even quiet, which doesn't happen too often. I'm starting to plan to go to Monticello Sunday. I'm tired of making the trip, but there isn't much I can do about it. My doc is there and I can't change to a doc up here until the insurance process goes through. Once I choose a doc, it may take 45-60 days before I can go see him/her. That's just the process. I plan to start calling around here soon at my options, and hope to pick one today. SUcks, because I don't get too much of a chance to get to know the doc before I choose, but the government takes care of my med bills, so I can't complain about it too much. We'll see how it goes. There's a small chance I can go and see if I can do my prenatal care in this clinic close by instead of going to Monticello all of the time. I need to call around and find out about that too. I hope my brain can keep up! LOL. My brain doesn't function well with hormones, never has. Kiara just drew a picture of me on her magnadoodle. Very cool. Too bad it wasn't on something I can hang up.

Passion For Christ-----> Still on the search, but closer

Man I don't blog that much do I? Oh well. Here lately I've noticed more and more that my passion for Christ and helping others has been disappearing. That sucks too, because I use to have so much before, but all of the lacking the past few years has seemed to let Satan win. I know I need to work on my walk with Christ first, you know, take the plank out of my eye before I take the splinter out of somebody else's. Well here's alittle story that brightened my heart a bit:

Yesterday I got bored and decided to jump on a chat room for prego people. It was nice to be able to relate to some of them. What was interesting though was that every person I maintained a conversation with or instant messaged me, was between the ages of 16-18. I found this very interesting because since I had Mikah at age 17, young teen moms have always held a place in my heart to support them. Some of them were scared and frustrated, but all they needed to hear was it was going to be okay and from a person whose been there. I even have a continued contact with a girl who is 17. Maybe this is one way I can reach out when I'm having my bed ridden days. We'll see where God guides me.

Last Weekend Not Forgotten

I've been meaning to post this all week, but my head has gotten stuck elsewhere. Last Saturday we went and spent some time with Riley and Emily including some of their friends. This was the first time I met any of them, and I must say is was a great meeting. I already felt connected with Riley and Emily even though I had just met them. Very cool.

While I was there, I dyed Easter eggs with Mikah. That is something as a kid I've always loved about Easter. It wasn't the egg hunt or candy--which was cool, but it was always the changing of the eggs. I've done it every year since and hope to forever.

Mikah just loved Riley. He really took to his goofiness. On the way home, Mikah said that Riley was his best friend. That is timeless.

The next day we went to my grandma's in Earl Park. That is one of the small specks on this planet that amazingly still has a population. We met up with everyone there, had our deviled eggs and conversation, then after lunchish din-din we had the egg hunt with my kids and my nephew Gaven. They all had so much fun playing outside and just being together. I notice the kids get along better when they have room to conspire with each other as well as enough room to be away from the other if needed.

Never-ending Reality Checks From A Four Year Old

The past few nights I have been sleeping on the couch. Both nights Mikah has come out to sleep with me. Since there's no room, ( even before my protruding gut) I pulled up the ottoman close to me for an extension of the couch. He has complained of nightmares. I also tried rolling over, back to him and he started to sit up in a panicky way and said, " Mommy, I have to have your hand on me, or else I'll have another scary dream! If you have your hand on me, I'll sleep and have a good dream." This was a simple request, so without even thinking about it I wrapped my arm around him and let him squeeze my arm as if it were a teddy bear.

Maybe that's what I'm lacking....the fear and extreme want/need of God's hands on me. It's hard to be needy, when you lived and was brought up to be as independent as possible. My mom took care of us three kids by herself and had no one to rely on, so by her example and teaching, I came to never want to ask from others. ANd when I started to follow Christ, it was the exact opposite. I've always had the thought in the back of my head that I need God and all, but living it and believing it has got to be the hardest things I've done. Its so hard to throw away the human sight when your eyes still work. I say that meaning, I don't see God, yet I believe, but I only believe half-assed due to my spiritual blindness. Yes I'm still at my starting point, but I don't only have to blend my past sucky spiritual life in this new journey, but my pre-spiritual as well. I can't forget them, they are a part of me. I can't just easily throw them together either. I need the exact touch for CHrist to figure this one out. Hey, its a learning process, I'll learn to love it eventually....I hope.

I must say right now my journeu or crash course ( both sound accurate) is really starting to feel lonely. I mean, I was feeling that way before, but its really hitting me now. What also doesn't help is that my hormones are taking over my emotions. Today so far has been a weepy day for me. Just feel alone, and so distant from people. I hope I can over come this, it's starting to drive me nuts. Its like I'm acquainted with people, but that's all. Just acquainted. I guess now I'm scared to push myself into someone's life. Never have I felt this way before. I've always had friends and people to connect with, but these past two years of trying to go with this journey has been so empty. I guess its time to break this shell my old church formed around me. Of course maybe my hormones are speaking for me right now.

A Reminder

After my doc appointment yesterday, I went to pick up some breadsticks in Monticello. The girl who was working goes to the church me and Scott sort of ran away from. She she said hi, and told me she hadn't seen my mother-in-law for a couple of weeks and wanted to know if she was okay. I told her she's been fine and all, then she said, "You know I would have called her, but who has time for that anymore?" That bugged me. I know that is the place we left and part of the reason why, but it still sucks that is the way they may do it for awhile. All I can really do is pray for them and hope that their hearts will be guided into coming together as a church of Christ that is always there for each other. That is all we ever wanted, was community and friendship. As well as discipleship.

Non-stress test Full of Stress

My doctor sent me yesterday to get a non-stress test done to see if the cramping I've been having are contractions and to also make sure the baby's heart rate was okay. I didn't really cramp during it, but everything looked fine. It defintely put me and Scott through some trying thoughts. I'm not so sure Scott was satisfied by the findings, I know he's still pretty worried. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm glad there weren't any contractions , but I wish I had cramped while I was in there. Just so we could possibly see what it was. I'm sure we're just paranoid, and everything is fine, but its hard to feel assured that this pregnancy is going to go okay. All I can do is pray my guts out about it, and hope God agrees. Please pray for us and especially Scott. He's got so much extra on his mind that he's never had to deal with before and I'm worried about him. Just pray for peace of mind and contentment.

Boy.......I think this is my first ramble on here...Don't Say I didn't Warn YOU!

A whirlwind of thoughts going through. Not too sure where I'm going with it all, but I'm sure it'll take me somewhere. I was listening to some christian punk music, while soaking in the tub, and I realized how true it was. It was basically a song about how some Christians spending most of their time shaking their fists at people instead shaking their hands. At least all in all that was the point, within the head-banging hair flying sound that I just can't help to enjoy. I remember that this is what Scott and I left back in Monticello. All of the judging, and critizm, and lakes of worry around every little risk we had to take. What we left was no relationships with people we should relate with in Christ. I called a woman my family met at church group last Sunday tonight to touch base with her. It was so strange. It was so foreign to me to call, just to call and talk. And even yet, that she wasn't trying to kick me off of the phone as soon as possible. She talked back and carried along with the conversation we had. I NEVER had that back in Monticello. Heck I was lucky just to get someone's phone number to call them about church business or some crud like it. I can breathe easier knowing we are in the beginning of what we could have only dreamt about in Monticello. Its really starting to hit me. What sucks is that over all of that time waiting, I now have to work really hard on how to be me. Change myself. Not for the group, or anything like that, but for my journey. I've been getting so apathetic about a lot of things. I just need to find myself through Christ. How to do that, haven't a friggin' clue, but I think I know where to start. I still don't pray often. I get stuck in the beginning, and then just give up, feeling like its useless. Awhile ago, I would never have let that happen, but now......
I always turn the thought of my journey into a race. A race to the finish, last one there has to buy the other person a hot dog. That's always how I've done things. Always hurried, always rushed, ready to deal with whatever works. May not be the best choice, but it was the easiest. I know Scott may have an argument to that. It always comes down to choice. Always starts with one choice, then dealing with the effect. I chose a couple of years ago I would follow Christ. To tell you the truth at first it was like I just bought insurance. At the very end of making my choice, it was Mikah who pushed me through. Thinking that there was a possibility of losing him forever didn't fit well with me. And eventually I learned that there was more to being a Christian than judging everyone ( my whole life experience with people who go to church). It was about working for Christ. I'm still trying to figure out what that means. Work for/with Christ. Work in Christ. Taking for granted the salvation, yet accepting that soon change needed to be done. You know, so many Christians think that when you are involved more with church business meetings and every now and then you speak in front of the congregation, they automatically think that you are a strong Christian that doesn't need any guidance. Some think that because you do that, you are on your way to the good land. But unfortunately it is all assumption and the day they get the truth about that person they tend to get offended. Sorry...........but I need to realize how I shouldn't be like during my walk. I need to come to Christ with accepting what I shouldn't do and find out what I should do. No easy answers here. I'll find them eventually.

I wish I could write something more positive

I find myself writing this, because I have nothing else really to do. We had a good visit with Scott's grandparents, but at the end of it I started to have some pain in my hips. We came home and I laid down and fell asleep with the kids. I just woke up a half an hour ago with severe pain in my hips, back and legs, and with nausea. I know eventually, I'll just get used to the pain, but it is always dreadful when it starts. And maybe it'll go away, but it just keeps getting worse, and my body doesn't do well with gravity I guess. All of my joints just feel as though they have been grinded down to where there is only bone rubbing when I walk. I could go to a doctor and see if I could get something for the pain, but then I can't really function at home with the kids, and would be taking something that isn't good for the baby. Not really much else of a solution, so I guess I can ride this wave out.

Everyone is sleeping. Scott is sleeping on the couch. My brother asked me why, as if we were fighting or having a spat. I told him no, we weren't fighting, and I don't really know why he is out there. Just the place he landed tonight I guess.

Tomorrow we will spend Easter as a family. We can figure something out. I would like to kill the computer and have some true family time tomorrow. May be a bit much to ask, but one can hope. I hope tomorrow is a good day.

The pain is getting worse. I have got to lay down, or something. Please pray for energy and some relief when Scott is at work. I can never sleep much like this. I love you all, and hope you have a Happy Easter.

I Thought Only Clowns Did This

My kids have been wanting to play with some balloons lately, so I decided to go and get some yesterday while running around. I found some, that came with a convenient air pump, and went home. To our surprise they were the kind for making balloon animals and hats, and such. So my brother and I let the kids run around while we sat outside with them, learning how to make these things, like a poodle, giraffe, and some hats. Shane, my brother even learned how to make a flower. The directions weren't very clear, and it was only for the poodle anyways, so the rest we had to figure out. I must confess I totally suck at balloon forming, but that is well by me. It was too fun, and the kids were thrilled to have some balloonie things to play with. Very nice time spent outside.

Hospital

I just got back from the hospital. I went because I've been having cramping and a lot of pain, and every now and then it seemed as though I was having a contraction. Well, I'm not dilated or anything, and everything checked out okay. I do have a small infection that antibiotics can take care. I have to be very honest, though. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go with the possibility of finding out bad news, like last time. I still worry. I know I'm supposed to trust in God and not worry, but give me a frigging break. I trusted last time, but our plans were different from His. I guess this is where my confusion gets heavy. I don't question that God is good, but I really question how some people may say trust in God, He'll take care of you. I guess sometimes I feel as though I'm being set up for disappointed. I don't think this all of the time, but right now, this day its been through the thoughts. I guess now my question is, what happens when you pray for the best to happen without a doubt, and then you lose something so dear? How are we suppose to handle that in a Christ-like manner?