Inside for too long

I've been going through my head too much lately, losing the methods of my heart. Kind of tired of doing things that way, feel kind of selfish too. I've been lazy about my journey, kind of setting it aside, until spiritual thoughts comes around that make me think twice about setting it aside. I struggle with my faith too much since our miscarriage, just gave me some difficult questions to deal with. It sucks, because when I pray for something good to come out of a bad situation, I find myself very doubtful and almost think I'm wasting my time. In my heart I know better, but its getting past my mind and past experience. I understand that God has his own plans and they normally won't coincide with my wants and wishes. And I know he used our loss for good, and still is, but why the loss? Its so hard to believe in His miracles after that experience. It sucks. But then once in awhile I walk in faith with not worrying about much and think and believe (through a breathing/meditating process) that everything will be ok. Maybe thats my problem. I don't pray enough, and when I do I don't do it right. I haven't prayed for myself in so long, because it always feels so selfish. And what's even silly is that I know God doesn't see it that way, but that's how it feels. I find that I easily confuse what scripture is trying to tell me. Such as it says always to put others first. That alone is said in so many ways. But what always comes to slap me with some kind of clarity is the simple question: How can you help take the splinter out of this guy's eye with a plank in your own? Of course its not word for word, but I'm sure you know what I'm talkin about. So then I get another question in my head. What if it takes you forever to remove your plank? Are you to wait that whole time to help someone, or can you help them as your are helping yourself? I know it all depends on the situation, and I'm asking questions that won't be answered, but this is my process of breaking me down. I know I have to break me down before building me up with discipline and love.

I haven't met with anyone at church for over two weeks and I'm easily seeing the effects. Of course that was only two possible times that I missed, but getting out of the house other than grocery shopping and actually interacting with people is what I thrive on. I miss being the outgoing person I use to be when I was a teenager. Granted then it got me into a lot of trouble, but I've grown from that now and just miss it all. The pregnancy limits me on certain things, and after the baby is here I may be even more limited for the while as my body heals and as I get to acquaint myself with the new family we will have. I know its just one baby, but that one baby will change everything about us. Of course that is what is so awesome about people and having relationships. Either way I need to commit myself to meeting with people more and building relationships.

With my experiences in the pregnancy chat rooms, I've kind remembered something about people. I've remembered that people thrive to connect with others. To share something in common, and to know they aren't alone. They thrive on companionship, as well as an open door to someone else's heart. We all do. This is how we are made. Granted some lost it along their rough road of life, but there's still something there.

A girl that I've talked with alot since I've been chatting or whatever you wish to call it, is as far along as I am. The night before last she went into labor, which would be considered premature. She had her sister get online to let me and the other girls we talk with know where she was. I haven't talked with her yet, and it makes me believe she had the baby and is still in the hospital. I'm telling you this now, because it absolutely amazes me that we have an electrical community through our computers that cares for one another. We have connected with each other through our pregnancies/experiences/children and just share with each other our worries, our silly kids' actions, and our lives. We never hesitate much to ask a serious question.

What also is awesome is how many young girls I have talked with. They come into the room scared to death about the fact they are pregnant and young, and don't know how in this world they could bring a child into the world. Most of them actually get stomped on and ridiculed by the older women, which sux and is uncalled for. Either way by showing my support to them and trying to answer their questions, they get another insight on their situation. Most girls think about abortion right away, or adoption, barely any think of taking care of the baby themselves. They come to the room with all of this worry and then they get attacked by strong opinions of others. I just try to bring them away from the opinions and try to get them to see some positive perspectives. No I don't support teenage pregnancy, but I will support pregnant teens. I will support the person they are and accept their mistakes. I was a pregnant teen and I know how scary it is. I just hope I help.

More thoughts

I look at my children and it amazes me how fast time flies. It scares me, too. Questions such as, how can I not screw up? Let alone screw them up. I wonder what kind of people they will become and where they will go. What struggles we will overcome and even more how much will they let God into their lives. Will my pitiful faith distract them? We don't have much time left and I wonder what will be done with it all. But this is life, it goes on whether you are ready for it or not. I know I'm a good mommy, and love these kids to death. THese are just some thoughts that flow once in awhile.

Thoughts A-Flowin

A lot going on in my mind. I think there may be too much in there wondering about the future. In the bible it commands not to worry about the future, but it also says basically that only fools don't plan. I plan stuff because of worry about it not getting done or accomplished if I don't plan. And a lot of the time I don't even realize I'm worried. Right now I wonder if God has something planned for me career-wise, or if it just doesn't phase him and its really all up to me. Right now I'm not worried though. I'm curious. I'm curious of how much our little family is willing to go through for little wants and desires. I'm curious about how we are to raise our children, when we are non-stop confused about how we want to be as individuals. I'm curious about how long we will wait to find any answers to any of these questions we have. I can be patient, heck I've waited this long. And some say I shouldn't even be thinking about what kind of career I want now because I'm pregnant. But with that prego package, comes a lot of spare time, and why not try to think out some possibilities. The more I pray about nursing the more I want to go for it. I seem to get more passion for it every day. The only thing that sucks about it is the long haul through school with three kids and technically a fourth ( My hubby), hahaha. Just kiddin. I know we will figure it all out, if that's what we really want. I remember school with 2 kids. It wasn't easy and then I was only going part time. This is where I let worry get to me. I called a couple of medical offices today about the medical transcriptioning. Didn't find anything positive about it. So it seems my direction is heading towards college. Sometimes when I look back at mine and Scott's road, it looks like a roller coaster. Nonstop twists and turns, nonstop questions. And the only answers we get are more questions. This is our journey.

More Exciting Stuff

I looked at the calendar today, and found out I only have 7 more weeks till my due date. Boom Baby! I hope I blink again and its only two weeks away. That would be awesome. I'm gonna try to find a way to get the crib up here so we can already have it set up. So fun. Next month is Scott's and my wedding anniversary of 2 years. Wow. That'll be neat.

I'm sitting here in the darkened bedroom of mine where my daughter Kiara is sleeping. I must say, she's looks like an angel when she sleeps. Even when she rubs her eyes and picks off her eye boogers.

Bloggin in My PJ's About the All of it All

It's been an interesting past couple of days. I had my birthday Thursday and just relaxed as much as I could. That's all I really wanted was to have a day to chill. But considering I had both kids with me and Scott at work, I did my best. Mikah's birthday was Saturday. 5 years old ( tear drop) wow.....he's really getting big. He had a good birthday, he got his game for his gameboy and cake and we also went to the movies to see Shrek 2. Unfortunately during the movie I was having a very strange back pain and my doctor told me to go see if it was labor or not. Thankfully it wasn't and were at the hospital for only 2 hours. I canceled my baby shower for today, because my back and my hips are just killing me, and I don't really have the energy to get everything ready. I'm going to try to reschedule it for a later date, but it really depends on if I ever feel up to it. I push myself just to do light cleaning, let alone prep a shower, so time will tell where that goes. My dad has a couple more months of freedom. He went back to court the 7th and paid what he was due and if he can do the same in September he can be free for a couple more months. This means he'll have a chance to meet the baby if he ever has to go back to prison. Hopefully he can stay out of prison all together and just pay back the money he owes. Time will tell on that one too. My brother's best friend Angie had a baby Tuesday morning. Over ten pounds! Good grief. The poor girl had to have a c-section because the baby was so big. But her and the baby are fine and she's recovering from surgery good so far. Mikah and Kiara have these arm floaties to help them learn how to swim and also so I don't have to hold them in the deep water, but they are still very scared and untrusting with them, so for Mikah's Bday I got him and her one each of those blow up rings to go around their waists. Today we tried them out and both of them were pushing me and Shane away so they could be on their own. We stayed close of course, but they did great. If that's how we need to get them comfortable with the deep water at first, then so be it. It was well worth it. I'm wanting to start looking into swimming lessons at the local YMCA for Mikah. We'll see though. Well that the 'fleshy' diary post, here's something more on the spiritual side.....

Here lately I've been struggling with a decision on schooling and career choice. I've been praying about it more and more and am starting to lean away from medical transcriptioning. I'm still trying to find more information from people actually doing this from home, and I'm finding from them that you can't start out at home working. Most places need you to have about 2-3 years of experience in an office before they'll hire you. This is discouraging to find. I'm still going to search for more opinions and next week I plan to call some medical offices about who they hire and so on, and find some facts from the real sources, and I pray that whatever I hear good/bad, is what God needs me to hear. When I was having wonderful thoughts and plans for Med Trans, I was praying and asking God for a clear path and guidance with the med trans, and in the middle it was almost someone in my head interrupted me and told me to stop and then nursing popped into my head. This is VERY confusing to me. I know this isn't my thoughts, because I decided a long time ago that I didn't want to become a nurse. Nothing against nurses at all, its just that their work intimidates me, and my mom alone I know has put up with a lot of crud being a nurse. This confusion started about 2 weeks ago, and since I've just prayed that God would direct my passion and my heart where he wanted it to be. I know it has only been two weeks, but some of my insight has changed on nursing. It seems like a wonderful job to have if what you desire is to help people. I really wouldn't have that with med trans. (deep breath) But its a lot of school compared. There's a concern that the nursing isn't mine or God's idea, but a distraction from the enemy. I really hope I will get the idea this week when I call some medical offices. I'm being patient about it, though, which is different for me. I'm trying to find the peace in being 'floatable' to God. Where he can blow me in any direction, and I'm still okay with it.

I guess the main question of it all is: Is this a distraction or is this from God????? Anyone who could help me find out how to answer that question let me know....kind stuck inside of it.

Pool Bums & Birthday Boy

The kids and I have been hanging out at the apartment pool for the past three days. Its been helping me relieve some stress of being couped up inside the house, and also gives the kids time for some good fresh air and time with other kids. I think we'll take a break though, Mikah and I started to get burnt today, even with sunscreen. Kiara is starting to get a little tan. I was thinking about getting that stuff to spray in their hair to help the sun streak their hair with blonde, but not too sure yet. We'll see.

Mikah's birthday is Saturday and I still have yet to think of something to do that we can afford. Chocolate cake, but what to do??? I'll figure something out.

Sunday my brother is hosting a baby shower for me, that will be interestingly fun. I unfortunately don't have any newborn or first year clothes anymore. The summer before I got pregnant I gave them away to someone who really needed them.


Prayer Update

Grandma Hall passed away this morning at 2:50 AM. Grandpa Hall before had told her gently that it was okay for her to let go and that he couldn't stand to see her suffer. Absolutely amazes me how much they still love each other. Grandpa isn't taking it well at all. Thanks again for all of the prayers, and please keep praying for Grandpa Hall and the family for closure and a safe journey to their homes.

Back From Monti-Struggles

I am finally home with the kids. It was a nice visit and kind of a nice vacation if it weren't for some mind struggles I've been going through. I need clarity. I need to learn how to hear God's voice as opposed to my own or the enemy. I wish it were simple, but it never seems to be that way for me. I know this is at my fault, and ignorance or whatever isn't an excuse, but I don't even know where to begin.I have been constantly praying and searching the word this week and have come up with possible answers, but are they really or am I rushing a decision that can change our lives? I was told to just sit back and try to let it be for a little while, but how can I do that when it non-stop haunts my brain? I will try though. I just wonder if God's trying to get me to do something I knew I never wanted to do or if its satan trying to distract me from a goal. I will reveal in due time, but I don't believe now is the time for specifics. Any prayers would be wonderful. Thanks for listening.

Prayer Update

Grandma Hall earlier today started showing signs that indicate she doesn't have that long to live. My mother-in-law has went down to Arkansas with Scott's grandparents. Scott's grandpa, who is on his way now, was told by the doctor that he isn't suppose to make that trip anymore due to his health condition. He went anyways, because he refuses to not be by his wife's side while her mother is dying. I totally understand, and pray that he won't end up in the hospital after this. Thanks for the prayers and I'll try and keep you all updated on this.