Boy.......I think this is my first ramble on here...Don't Say I didn't Warn YOU!

A whirlwind of thoughts going through. Not too sure where I'm going with it all, but I'm sure it'll take me somewhere. I was listening to some christian punk music, while soaking in the tub, and I realized how true it was. It was basically a song about how some Christians spending most of their time shaking their fists at people instead shaking their hands. At least all in all that was the point, within the head-banging hair flying sound that I just can't help to enjoy. I remember that this is what Scott and I left back in Monticello. All of the judging, and critizm, and lakes of worry around every little risk we had to take. What we left was no relationships with people we should relate with in Christ. I called a woman my family met at church group last Sunday tonight to touch base with her. It was so strange. It was so foreign to me to call, just to call and talk. And even yet, that she wasn't trying to kick me off of the phone as soon as possible. She talked back and carried along with the conversation we had. I NEVER had that back in Monticello. Heck I was lucky just to get someone's phone number to call them about church business or some crud like it. I can breathe easier knowing we are in the beginning of what we could have only dreamt about in Monticello. Its really starting to hit me. What sucks is that over all of that time waiting, I now have to work really hard on how to be me. Change myself. Not for the group, or anything like that, but for my journey. I've been getting so apathetic about a lot of things. I just need to find myself through Christ. How to do that, haven't a friggin' clue, but I think I know where to start. I still don't pray often. I get stuck in the beginning, and then just give up, feeling like its useless. Awhile ago, I would never have let that happen, but now......
I always turn the thought of my journey into a race. A race to the finish, last one there has to buy the other person a hot dog. That's always how I've done things. Always hurried, always rushed, ready to deal with whatever works. May not be the best choice, but it was the easiest. I know Scott may have an argument to that. It always comes down to choice. Always starts with one choice, then dealing with the effect. I chose a couple of years ago I would follow Christ. To tell you the truth at first it was like I just bought insurance. At the very end of making my choice, it was Mikah who pushed me through. Thinking that there was a possibility of losing him forever didn't fit well with me. And eventually I learned that there was more to being a Christian than judging everyone ( my whole life experience with people who go to church). It was about working for Christ. I'm still trying to figure out what that means. Work for/with Christ. Work in Christ. Taking for granted the salvation, yet accepting that soon change needed to be done. You know, so many Christians think that when you are involved more with church business meetings and every now and then you speak in front of the congregation, they automatically think that you are a strong Christian that doesn't need any guidance. Some think that because you do that, you are on your way to the good land. But unfortunately it is all assumption and the day they get the truth about that person they tend to get offended. Sorry...........but I need to realize how I shouldn't be like during my walk. I need to come to Christ with accepting what I shouldn't do and find out what I should do. No easy answers here. I'll find them eventually.