I've been stuck in my head lately and never seem to have anyone to talk to about it. I could always scream.

I'm sick of today.

Curiosity is in the air today. I went on the web to start my "Search for God" and I found some scary things.....This one I stumbled upon just to see what is on the minds of the opposing side of beliefs. The topic "Does God Exist?" came up. I read this and I can actually remember when I felt the same, and all of the emotions that came with these thoughts.

I get sick of looking at this screen sometimes and just wonder what may happen. I just put "god" in the search , and see what it comes up with. I see a phrase that says, "Using God For Wealth and Success" . See what you make of it. This troubles me a little, but so does most things.

What should my hands do today.

I know I haven't posted in awhile. Most of my pre-entries I have kept to myself, mostly for emotional healing. Here you go world, here's a piece of my heart.

I finally went back to church this past Sunday. I've been dreading this for quite some time. The past two weeks I have spent trying to get over what had happened with the baby, and I knew that once I went back, there would be a gazillion hugs and a ton of people telling me they are sorry for my loss. I just wanted to scream the moment I walked into that building, "Everybody!! Hey, I don't want any hugs! I don't want to hear your sorry! I already know! Just treat me as though it were just another day so I don't have to relive the whole ordeal!" Of course I didn't do this and ended up crying the whole freaking time. I was sitting in the nursury after Scott left with Kiara and Mikah was waiting for me to take him to get a cookie, and I couldn't move. I sat there with my son bawling my eyes out for the fiftieth time. He gave me a huge hug and asked if I was crying because the baby got sick. I shook my head yes. He puts his hand on my shoulder, looks at me with the most sincere eyes and said, " Don't worry, mommy. The baby's with God now." and he gave me a soft smile and hugged me once more. This little man taught me a great deal in these quick seconds. He taught me that I haven't been putting God in this situation. He taught me that my faith is no where close to his four year old faith. He taught me that I need to become a child in my heart. He also taught me to remember that the child we lost is with God and doesn't have to go through the pain we do. He doesn't know the effect he had on me at that moment, but I won't forget. My son has the strongest faith I've ever seen.

My son never sees me cry. This may stay with him for awhile. We were driving in a bigger town near us, and he just started to cry. The feeling of loss had hit him. I asked him what was wrong. He said he that he missed the baby and wanted it back. I told him the baby wasn't coming back. He cried some more, and then looked at Kiara and said that he liked sissy and said he wanted someone like her to come along again. I don't even know why I try not to cry anymore. When I was growing up, you'd never see a single tear. No emotion came out when it came to crying. It just never happened. Mikah calmed down after I told him that when Mommy and Daddy are ready, we will try to have another baby. This made him happy.

Just a day to say hey hey hey!

WHOOO-HOO!!!!! My baby girl went peepee in the potty for her first time today !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROCK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!

She has been fighting me lately to get on the potty, but finally today I found out that she needs a toy to play with while she is there. Granted this may have to change from toy to book to snack or drink, but whatever works, we'll go with the flow. This is too awesome. The sooner we get her out of diapers the better-cheaper too. I tried to put her in just plain underwear earlier, but I soon figured it was a bad idea considering this place has carpet in every single freaking room. When I trained Mikah, we didn't have carpet anywhere (at my mom's) and all of the furniture was washable. Here, we may have to get the vinyl lined underwear until she's good at it. (I know this is a lot on the potty talk, but you'll have to excuse me I'm excited!)

Another thing is that they really want me bad at work, and I may be going back to nights, but if I did I would only be working three days on the weekend to avoid a babysitter. We'll see. Scott won't like it, but it'll only be until we move. We'll have to pray on it, and I ask that everyone pray for God's decision to be known. Well better go do some work world--later!

To find the words. To find the feelings. To dig them up out of their dark shadows and put them into use.
I've struggled with these before when I was stuck in the dark. Then finally I reached a point where all I craved was light. I needed it to survive. To breath a new life once more. I needed the faith of a child to dive into to something that appears crusty and dirty on the outside, but found a fresh clean sensation on the inside. Still imperfect, but that's what's so great about it all. I can be so imperfect and still have God's unconditional love. I'm tired of my eyes being closed and my heart hard. I've been released from that 3 years ago, why should I let this feeling happen again? Its not what I want. Its definitely not what I need. So why did I let it creep in uninvited? I choose to be different. Not in my eyes, but in God's. I don't ever claim to know what is in God's thoughts, but I am sure he doesn't want me sliding away from him. I've felt every emotion there is the past nine days, and one thing I have learned is that no matter what kind of crap this world puts you through God will ALWAYS be there to help you back up. Right after I found out about our loss, I started praying immediately. I started to be angry at God for what happened, but then I kicked myself in the ass, and decided how stupid I would be to not have God on my side. It was pretty close to the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I'm still learning how to get on with life. I'm very tempted to hide inside a box and never come out, then my gorgeous blessings, my children come out and remind me that this day has been given to us by God, and we should experience it. My kids are so full of love, and I thank God for that. I thank God that my husband is my best friend and loves us all. I thank God that my family has been by our side through all of this mess. I thank God that when it happened, he taught us that when we move to Texas, far away from our family, that we will have people who love us and will always be there for us. I thank God that we still were able to go to Texas and experience the community down there as well as the individuals from Cairn. I thank God that we had a safe trip home. I thank God for giving me a safe surgery. I thank God that when I woke up from the surgery, that I woke up to see my husband and close friends that support us. I thank God that our other friends were so willing to help out with our kids so Scott could be there with me. I thank God most of all for Jesus, because without Him, I would be stuck in the shadow. And I also want to thank everyone that was at Cairn for your prayers and support and love........I love you all so very much, and this experience has definitely engraved you all very deep in my heart.

okay I promise I'm done with the quizzes for tonight.

You are Storm!

You are very strong and very protective of those
you love. You are in tune with nature and are
very concerned with justice and humanity.
Unfortunately, certain apprehensions and fears
are very hard for you to overcome, and can
often inhibit you when most need to be strong.


Which X-Men character are you most like?
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Very cool--I can deal with that!

Tomorrow I get to drive to Indianapolis with the fam and meet my dad for luch who is just driving through to get to Arkansas. He's going to try and convince me to go for a couple of days, but there's no way. Not right now. Maybe in a month or something...we'll have to see. I may also get to see my grandma who I haven't seen in over a year (my wedding). That would be good, but I don't know yet. I hope I get to see my stepmom-she's cool. I wish I knew what she was doing with my dad though. He's unfortunately not the best man to be married to. I wish them well anyways. Well, off to bed or something...

Well a new day has past and one has yet to come. Its been a weird day. I was just thinking about what my son used to call his thoughts or ideas...He used to say when he wanted to do something that his "urn" would tell him he needed to do it. He tried this tactic to get away with some things we wouldn't allow. We sometimes would laugh from the cuteness.

I feel as though I'm getting stuck inside myself. I feel when I talk to people, I start to wonder if they are really listening. I get interrupted a lot too...I wish sometimes I could just get it all out. My doc said I'll be tired and worn for at least a month physically, but emotionally it may take a while. I don't know........God has something to do with me. I just wish I knew what.

I've been making a nightly list on paper of things I thank God for. I first want to be angry with God about it all, but then I remind myself that its not his doing....So I do this to remind myself of every great thing he has brought into my life. I think it helps a lot.

Sorry going quiz crazy----I have to admit the inner child one is pretty accurate. I hope it lasts....

Maki - "Truly Rare"
People of your personality type should visit:
www.life-blood.cjb.net


What would your Japanese name be? (female)
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My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
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I don't know what to say other than: God is good.