Never-ending Reality Checks From A Four Year Old

The past few nights I have been sleeping on the couch. Both nights Mikah has come out to sleep with me. Since there's no room, ( even before my protruding gut) I pulled up the ottoman close to me for an extension of the couch. He has complained of nightmares. I also tried rolling over, back to him and he started to sit up in a panicky way and said, " Mommy, I have to have your hand on me, or else I'll have another scary dream! If you have your hand on me, I'll sleep and have a good dream." This was a simple request, so without even thinking about it I wrapped my arm around him and let him squeeze my arm as if it were a teddy bear.

Maybe that's what I'm lacking....the fear and extreme want/need of God's hands on me. It's hard to be needy, when you lived and was brought up to be as independent as possible. My mom took care of us three kids by herself and had no one to rely on, so by her example and teaching, I came to never want to ask from others. ANd when I started to follow Christ, it was the exact opposite. I've always had the thought in the back of my head that I need God and all, but living it and believing it has got to be the hardest things I've done. Its so hard to throw away the human sight when your eyes still work. I say that meaning, I don't see God, yet I believe, but I only believe half-assed due to my spiritual blindness. Yes I'm still at my starting point, but I don't only have to blend my past sucky spiritual life in this new journey, but my pre-spiritual as well. I can't forget them, they are a part of me. I can't just easily throw them together either. I need the exact touch for CHrist to figure this one out. Hey, its a learning process, I'll learn to love it eventually....I hope.