Inside for too long

I've been going through my head too much lately, losing the methods of my heart. Kind of tired of doing things that way, feel kind of selfish too. I've been lazy about my journey, kind of setting it aside, until spiritual thoughts comes around that make me think twice about setting it aside. I struggle with my faith too much since our miscarriage, just gave me some difficult questions to deal with. It sucks, because when I pray for something good to come out of a bad situation, I find myself very doubtful and almost think I'm wasting my time. In my heart I know better, but its getting past my mind and past experience. I understand that God has his own plans and they normally won't coincide with my wants and wishes. And I know he used our loss for good, and still is, but why the loss? Its so hard to believe in His miracles after that experience. It sucks. But then once in awhile I walk in faith with not worrying about much and think and believe (through a breathing/meditating process) that everything will be ok. Maybe thats my problem. I don't pray enough, and when I do I don't do it right. I haven't prayed for myself in so long, because it always feels so selfish. And what's even silly is that I know God doesn't see it that way, but that's how it feels. I find that I easily confuse what scripture is trying to tell me. Such as it says always to put others first. That alone is said in so many ways. But what always comes to slap me with some kind of clarity is the simple question: How can you help take the splinter out of this guy's eye with a plank in your own? Of course its not word for word, but I'm sure you know what I'm talkin about. So then I get another question in my head. What if it takes you forever to remove your plank? Are you to wait that whole time to help someone, or can you help them as your are helping yourself? I know it all depends on the situation, and I'm asking questions that won't be answered, but this is my process of breaking me down. I know I have to break me down before building me up with discipline and love.

I haven't met with anyone at church for over two weeks and I'm easily seeing the effects. Of course that was only two possible times that I missed, but getting out of the house other than grocery shopping and actually interacting with people is what I thrive on. I miss being the outgoing person I use to be when I was a teenager. Granted then it got me into a lot of trouble, but I've grown from that now and just miss it all. The pregnancy limits me on certain things, and after the baby is here I may be even more limited for the while as my body heals and as I get to acquaint myself with the new family we will have. I know its just one baby, but that one baby will change everything about us. Of course that is what is so awesome about people and having relationships. Either way I need to commit myself to meeting with people more and building relationships.