To find the words. To find the feelings. To dig them up out of their dark shadows and put them into use.
I've struggled with these before when I was stuck in the dark. Then finally I reached a point where all I craved was light. I needed it to survive. To breath a new life once more. I needed the faith of a child to dive into to something that appears crusty and dirty on the outside, but found a fresh clean sensation on the inside. Still imperfect, but that's what's so great about it all. I can be so imperfect and still have God's unconditional love. I'm tired of my eyes being closed and my heart hard. I've been released from that 3 years ago, why should I let this feeling happen again? Its not what I want. Its definitely not what I need. So why did I let it creep in uninvited? I choose to be different. Not in my eyes, but in God's. I don't ever claim to know what is in God's thoughts, but I am sure he doesn't want me sliding away from him. I've felt every emotion there is the past nine days, and one thing I have learned is that no matter what kind of crap this world puts you through God will ALWAYS be there to help you back up. Right after I found out about our loss, I started praying immediately. I started to be angry at God for what happened, but then I kicked myself in the ass, and decided how stupid I would be to not have God on my side. It was pretty close to the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I'm still learning how to get on with life. I'm very tempted to hide inside a box and never come out, then my gorgeous blessings, my children come out and remind me that this day has been given to us by God, and we should experience it. My kids are so full of love, and I thank God for that. I thank God that my husband is my best friend and loves us all. I thank God that my family has been by our side through all of this mess. I thank God that when it happened, he taught us that when we move to Texas, far away from our family, that we will have people who love us and will always be there for us. I thank God that we still were able to go to Texas and experience the community down there as well as the individuals from Cairn. I thank God that we had a safe trip home. I thank God for giving me a safe surgery. I thank God that when I woke up from the surgery, that I woke up to see my husband and close friends that support us. I thank God that our other friends were so willing to help out with our kids so Scott could be there with me. I thank God most of all for Jesus, because without Him, I would be stuck in the shadow. And I also want to thank everyone that was at Cairn for your prayers and support and love........I love you all so very much, and this experience has definitely engraved you all very deep in my heart.