I finally went back to church this past Sunday. I've been dreading this for quite some time. The past two weeks I have spent trying to get over what had happened with the baby, and I knew that once I went back, there would be a gazillion hugs and a ton of people telling me they are sorry for my loss. I just wanted to scream the moment I walked into that building, "Everybody!! Hey, I don't want any hugs! I don't want to hear your sorry! I already know! Just treat me as though it were just another day so I don't have to relive the whole ordeal!" Of course I didn't do this and ended up crying the whole freaking time. I was sitting in the nursury after Scott left with Kiara and Mikah was waiting for me to take him to get a cookie, and I couldn't move. I sat there with my son bawling my eyes out for the fiftieth time. He gave me a huge hug and asked if I was crying because the baby got sick. I shook my head yes. He puts his hand on my shoulder, looks at me with the most sincere eyes and said, " Don't worry, mommy. The baby's with God now." and he gave me a soft smile and hugged me once more. This little man taught me a great deal in these quick seconds. He taught me that I haven't been putting God in this situation. He taught me that my faith is no where close to his four year old faith. He taught me that I need to become a child in my heart. He also taught me to remember that the child we lost is with God and doesn't have to go through the pain we do. He doesn't know the effect he had on me at that moment, but I won't forget. My son has the strongest faith I've ever seen.

My son never sees me cry. This may stay with him for awhile. We were driving in a bigger town near us, and he just started to cry. The feeling of loss had hit him. I asked him what was wrong. He said he that he missed the baby and wanted it back. I told him the baby wasn't coming back. He cried some more, and then looked at Kiara and said that he liked sissy and said he wanted someone like her to come along again. I don't even know why I try not to cry anymore. When I was growing up, you'd never see a single tear. No emotion came out when it came to crying. It just never happened. Mikah calmed down after I told him that when Mommy and Daddy are ready, we will try to have another baby. This made him happy.