No body's Home

When I started this blog, "I Find Myself In A Cage Sometimes" , I told it like it was. Everything I was feeling, went out......well not everything. There were some things I couldn't talk about. It wasn't a rule, per say, but would definitely cause chaos around me. I think to this day try and avoid chaos. I want to talk about a girl. A girl with no mother, no father, no body but herself and two older siblings for boundaries, or shall I say lack there of. My parents are alive, even to this very day. My mother divorced my father when I was 6 months old and was a single mother of three children without any help from anyone except herself. So due to lack of boundaries and discipline, things happened. Very, very bad things happened. I'm dedicating this blog to that part of the heart that needs to speak even though she's not being heard. But if you hear me, try to hear the love I actually do have for my family, no matter what we have been through.

Some Great News

I went to the doctor Wednesday and found out some great news. I don't have pre-ecclampsia. This is great news, although since I'm far enough along in the pregnancy, it would have been safe to deliver, but defintely great news. We've had a couple of days where I had practice contractions starting to become regular, but they stopped. Scott is defintely on edge with excitement for the baby to come. He's so cute when he gets all giddy! He's a good daddy, and I'm so lucky to have him.

It has been a strange week. I have had some awesome experiences as well as some troubling ones. I would like to start with the good for now, cause I want to share these praises as well as acknowledge them.

* I am finally at the okay gestation period where it is okay to have this baby
* Also, after the long hauled pregnancy, I'm almost done, just four more weeks to my due date :)
* I'm beginning to recognize more of what is going on with my spiritual journey and believe that I've made a decent first step back into it
* I had an extremely wonderful conversation with Bea over the phone, and I must say it was very inspiring and encouraging to hear from her. I can't wait for more conversations with her.
* Also Bea is pregnant as well and is due to have her baby VERY soon, and so far her and the baby are well
* I feel my relationships over the internet are growing stronger and really am excited about talking with these people, and also feel like a bond is growing between me and some of the girls I have talked with
* My nephew had an allergy test done last week and it all came out negative
* My nephew is only a couple of weeks away from seeing a dermatologist for his bad skin condition
* My son never ceases to amaze me; he read quite a few sentences to me and daddy out of the blue a couple of days ago, and keeps pushing himself to learn learn learn
*My daughter and I have been having the best conversations lately. I'm finally learning some of the mystery that goes on inside her head. She is talking my ears off and I'M LOVING IT!
* Scott is most likely going to be getting a promotion at Starbuck's, and he's thrilled about it as well are we are so proud of him
* I'm finally headed in a good direction when it comes to schooling. I'm going back to college, and found out that as long as they have the classes available, I can start my first full semester online and at home! I will still have to go in for tests, but this is AWESOME news!
* Also I've been talking back and forth with a woman here in Indy that I really feel connected with and I feel our relationship has nothing to do but grow
I'm sure there is more, but this is all I can think of now.

Now for the prayer concerns and what's been troubling me lately:

There's a girl I mentioned in my last blog or two that had her baby too early. I learned two days ago her baby had past away. Her mother is a wreck, as to be expected. Her and her boyfriend are really shook up about it all and are starting to question God's motives as well as purpose. This is of course natural, but she suffered from depression before this traumatic experience. Please keep her in your prayers and hearts.

Also the woman I have been connecting with has just been put on bed rest with her pregnancy. She is carrying triplets and the doctor just put her on strict bedrest. Strict bed rest is no fun at all, but is necessary at times to keep the babies healthy. Please pray for her and her husband, and the lil fam growin inside her.

I was told by the doc last week that I might have a disease condition called pre-ecclampsia (sp). I will find out for sure tomorrow if I do and will keep you all posted. Pre-ecclampsia can effect your kidneys and liver and can be very dangerous, and the only cure would be to deliver. Its scary, but I am thankful I am close enough to have the baby safely if need be.
I've been showing more symptoms of it more and more, but hopefully its all in my head, ha ha. Find out soon!

Kiara has been acting odd lately. I'm not sure if this is a normal growing stage or if something is really bothering her. She's been very sensitive lately, and bursts into tears so easily over everything. Her cry sounds like a bad hurt cry and makes me wonder why she does this. Just yesterday she just barely tried to open a drawer and within a second knowing it was hard to open she cried like crazy. This has been going on for over a week or more, and just concerns me. Any advice would be helpful on this, I'm not sure if I should be stern with her, comfort her, or what. I want it to stop, but am having a hard time trying to figure out what is best. There's tough love, but if something is bothering her mentally then I think that would do more dammage, but if she's just doing this for attention, then I don't want to comfort her and keep the fire going.

A woman from our church group got a phone call letting her know her mother was in the hospital with a stroke. I heard recently it wasn't a massive stroke, but please keep her in your prayers, as well as her family. I will find out more soon.

Thank you everyone for listening, and for the prayers.

I've been in a tight struggle with myself for quite awhile. My spiritual part of me is starving, and I've no one to blame but myself. I crave it, miss it....I am depreived of the freedom God has allowed me. My laziness has overcome it, and I am back at the bottom of the ladder, that goes up to my path. Right now it doesn't feel like a journey, it feels like a stopping point, and to go on, I'm not sure what to do. I feel almost empty and have needed to just know that I can do it, and I am worthwhile to do it. I pick up the Bible, and am quick to set it down. I can't seem to find a peace in it all. I'm searching backwards with my eyes closed, and wish I could change my view. I will breathe once again, and hopefully change this dry road I find myself on.

What's goin On

Another day without the kids, and the house is empty as ever. I slept in a great deal today, which was quite odd, but still nice. These past couple of weeks I've felt nothing but exhaustion wearing down on me, so I am trying my best to use this time to relax. Last night we went over to Matt and Lori's for prayer and fireworks. It was fun. I stayed in the house with a little girl who was scared of the fireworks. Before this time spent, she had been cautious of me, but during and after this, she warmed up to me very fast, and even went to sit on my lap a couple of times! It was nice to get out of the house. I don't do that too often anymore.

I've been keeping communications with a girl who was pregnant, and soon found out she had her baby 3 months early. Her baby girl, Gwen weighs at 2 lbs, 6 oz. I am still waiting on an update, but I will let you all know as time comes. The mother is 15 and so scared for her daughter. I can only imagine what she's going through.

A praise needs to be let known. My nephew Gaven, who suffers from severe eczema all over his body, finally has an appointment with a dermatologist. My sister has been trying forever to get her doctor to refer him, but the doctor wanted to try somethings first. This poor kid has dealt with this long enough, and I hope that the dermatologist can help. I'm still not sure what's going on with his tonsils and adenoids, I know he hasn't been to the specialist yet, but we will see if he still needs the surgery soon.

I just have one question, not for anyone in particular, but something to be out there: WHAT IS IT WITH MY FAMILY'S BIRTHDAYS? The past two birthdays we've had in the family, I've went to the hospital for crampy pain. I went on Mikah's birthday and yesterday on my mom's birthday. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!) The last time it was only a bladder infection, but yesterday when they hooked me up to the machine it showed I was having contractions. Not labor contractions, which is good, but sucks because they had to give me this medicine to stop it all and my doc put me on bed rest. I called our family buddy Matt to come save the day and help me with the kids, (which I will say it again, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT!) while I went home and kept my feet up. I'm only on bedrest until the 7th of July, and then my doc will see if it needs to be prolonged and what not. I called my fam in Monticello, and my mother-in-law has been missing her grandbabies like crazy and jumped on the occasion to steal the kids until the 5th. This is the first time we've had a long break from the kids. And I must say, this being the first day not having to take care of the kids, this is soooooooooo weird. I actually had the whole house to myself last night for a couple of hours when Matt had the rugrats. That hasn't happened since I've been here. It was nice I watched some rented movies and just relaxed. I've needed that for so long. Today is going to be even stranger, because I'll have about six hours of house to myself! I'm sure I'll talk with some friends on the net and watch some movies, soak in the tub and blast my Loreena McKennet cd, and drink my caffiene free pepsi (I know, what's the point of it being caff free, but its best for right now). I might have Scott rent me some movies for tomorrow or something so I don't go nuts. Or I can try to pick up a book and try reading. At least tomorrow Scott will be home most of the day, so I can spend some time with him. Well I guess here's to the start of a freely relaxed day (CLING)(imagine that was my wine glass of apple juice hitting yours :) } Take care everyone.

Inside for too long

I've been going through my head too much lately, losing the methods of my heart. Kind of tired of doing things that way, feel kind of selfish too. I've been lazy about my journey, kind of setting it aside, until spiritual thoughts comes around that make me think twice about setting it aside. I struggle with my faith too much since our miscarriage, just gave me some difficult questions to deal with. It sucks, because when I pray for something good to come out of a bad situation, I find myself very doubtful and almost think I'm wasting my time. In my heart I know better, but its getting past my mind and past experience. I understand that God has his own plans and they normally won't coincide with my wants and wishes. And I know he used our loss for good, and still is, but why the loss? Its so hard to believe in His miracles after that experience. It sucks. But then once in awhile I walk in faith with not worrying about much and think and believe (through a breathing/meditating process) that everything will be ok. Maybe thats my problem. I don't pray enough, and when I do I don't do it right. I haven't prayed for myself in so long, because it always feels so selfish. And what's even silly is that I know God doesn't see it that way, but that's how it feels. I find that I easily confuse what scripture is trying to tell me. Such as it says always to put others first. That alone is said in so many ways. But what always comes to slap me with some kind of clarity is the simple question: How can you help take the splinter out of this guy's eye with a plank in your own? Of course its not word for word, but I'm sure you know what I'm talkin about. So then I get another question in my head. What if it takes you forever to remove your plank? Are you to wait that whole time to help someone, or can you help them as your are helping yourself? I know it all depends on the situation, and I'm asking questions that won't be answered, but this is my process of breaking me down. I know I have to break me down before building me up with discipline and love.

I haven't met with anyone at church for over two weeks and I'm easily seeing the effects. Of course that was only two possible times that I missed, but getting out of the house other than grocery shopping and actually interacting with people is what I thrive on. I miss being the outgoing person I use to be when I was a teenager. Granted then it got me into a lot of trouble, but I've grown from that now and just miss it all. The pregnancy limits me on certain things, and after the baby is here I may be even more limited for the while as my body heals and as I get to acquaint myself with the new family we will have. I know its just one baby, but that one baby will change everything about us. Of course that is what is so awesome about people and having relationships. Either way I need to commit myself to meeting with people more and building relationships.

With my experiences in the pregnancy chat rooms, I've kind remembered something about people. I've remembered that people thrive to connect with others. To share something in common, and to know they aren't alone. They thrive on companionship, as well as an open door to someone else's heart. We all do. This is how we are made. Granted some lost it along their rough road of life, but there's still something there.

A girl that I've talked with alot since I've been chatting or whatever you wish to call it, is as far along as I am. The night before last she went into labor, which would be considered premature. She had her sister get online to let me and the other girls we talk with know where she was. I haven't talked with her yet, and it makes me believe she had the baby and is still in the hospital. I'm telling you this now, because it absolutely amazes me that we have an electrical community through our computers that cares for one another. We have connected with each other through our pregnancies/experiences/children and just share with each other our worries, our silly kids' actions, and our lives. We never hesitate much to ask a serious question.

What also is awesome is how many young girls I have talked with. They come into the room scared to death about the fact they are pregnant and young, and don't know how in this world they could bring a child into the world. Most of them actually get stomped on and ridiculed by the older women, which sux and is uncalled for. Either way by showing my support to them and trying to answer their questions, they get another insight on their situation. Most girls think about abortion right away, or adoption, barely any think of taking care of the baby themselves. They come to the room with all of this worry and then they get attacked by strong opinions of others. I just try to bring them away from the opinions and try to get them to see some positive perspectives. No I don't support teenage pregnancy, but I will support pregnant teens. I will support the person they are and accept their mistakes. I was a pregnant teen and I know how scary it is. I just hope I help.

More thoughts

I look at my children and it amazes me how fast time flies. It scares me, too. Questions such as, how can I not screw up? Let alone screw them up. I wonder what kind of people they will become and where they will go. What struggles we will overcome and even more how much will they let God into their lives. Will my pitiful faith distract them? We don't have much time left and I wonder what will be done with it all. But this is life, it goes on whether you are ready for it or not. I know I'm a good mommy, and love these kids to death. THese are just some thoughts that flow once in awhile.