Sitting in the Ashes of my Puny Faith

Well, sitting in the car last night I came to realize what kind of object I would use to describe my faith. Right about now I would use the term ashes. I have been in Christ for about three years now. The first year I had no one to lead me anywhere, so no where is where I stayed. The second year my passion grew so fast and hard, just to be slapped down by people saying I'm too new of a christian to do any projects....meaning no support. So I did a youth group ordeal for a bit, but it died down. I let it though, unfortunately. It started out as a discussion about everything. Then the parents were pressuring some king of plan, some kind of book that I needed to follow to keep it organized. I tried that. No one came again after that. I even offended one of the kids. This is the time when I threw my hands up in the air, laid down at the alter of the empty church and cried my freaking guts out. "What in the world do you want from me? Where are my examples? Where is my path and how the heck do you expect me to get there????? " I laid there in silence, just waiting...listening. I wanted to hear something...I wanted to feel something, even if it was just comfort and to know I wasn't alone. I came home empty. That's how I felt. Totally empty. I tried to learn from my husband's family, but I found what I found at the alter. Then I think there was just a time when I gave up. I don't remember ever making that choice, but slowly over time, I didn't feel needed in the body of Christ. What am I to do??? I go to the sunday service, sit in a pew, then wonder if these people that have been sitting behind me are still going to call me Sarah. Who am I in the body of Christ? Right now I just dead weight. I can't even find the words to pray anymore. I'm tired of the person I have become. I've grown up celebrating Christmas and Easter for time to spend with the family. Never once have I heard the story of Christ until age 18. Then it by someone who practically lived on the other side of the line. I'll never understand fully, but right now I would give anything just to understand a little.

Scott could go on and on for hours about all of his passions for Christ and for this way of church, and I guess lately I'm sick of hearing about it. I'm tired of talking about it. I just want to be able to DO it. See if it will be some kind of answer to my mass confusion. It all just seems too hard and complicated, but deep down I know Satan is trying to work on me. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm burnt out. I need to rise from my ashes and soon, I just don't know how. Yeah, you can give me a scripture or two to read, but that's not where I'm going to find the meat.