The Mind Feels Like A Trap Sometimes

Here I am again, thinking. I've come to one thing about it and that it serves me a lot of trouble most of the time. I'm stuck in a place of my walk where I don't know which way is up. When I pray, it just seems as though I'm talking to myself anymore. I try to reach out, but the apathetic side that lingers seems to take over. Most of the time I think, "what's the difference? All these others Christians, or whatever you wish to call them, don't seem to have a clue of what they are talking about." ( please note, these are the people I see at the churches in this town.)

I try and hope that this is just in this town, but I know that this crazed out disease has spread world wide. The disease where people just sit down somewhere and listen to a lecture or sermon and think they are changing the world by doing so. I'm tired of feeling like the absolutely abnormal person that should be struck for the abnormality. I'm tired of being looked down on by being a young mother. YES PEOPLE I HAD MY SON AT 17! GET OVER IT! BE NICE TO ME AT LEAST! is basically what I want to say. I take my kids to the library, and try to talk with the other parents, but when I approach them they glare at me, and the moment words comes from my mouth, saying hello, the look as though I just hit their kid. I thought it was just high school where people acted like total idiots. For the longest time I just blew this stuff off. People at my old church use to do similar stuff. They'd say hi to me, and when I try and start a conversation they stare off as though I'm not even there.

All throughout junior high and high school I had to put up with practically everyone treating me like crud. At the end of junior high though I decided to react the worst to shock the hell out them all. Of course it got me kicked out of high school twice and junior high once, but I sure showed them, right? (please, enjoy my sarcasm) All I know is that all of it was dumb, stupid and crazed, but no matter what I do or want to, I can't change that part of me, my past, and tell you the truth I really don't want to. Its the only way I got this far in the first place.

I don't hate these people who won't give me the time of day, heck I'm not even mad at them, let alone blame them.
"Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do!"

Yes, Jesus said it while being crucified. And yes he went through everything we wouldn't even nightmare about when he said it, so how can I use this phrase during my weak time of loneliness? How can I even mutter the same words of Him in my pathetic story. He said it for a reason. Those words were shared for a reason. Not to keep hidden until the time of despair and murder come into play, but also to help us remember that no matter how much we have sinned, no matter how much we threw our fists at others, no matter how much we trash our existence and those around us, that everyone needs forgiveness. Everyone makes mistakes, and can easily be blinded by Satan. And whether we care to admit it or not, most of the time when we fall of the path, we don't have a friggin clue what we are doing. I have to remind myself of this when I want to retaliate or just get mad.

I realize more and more that I need to start putting a lot of patience towards God and His ways. This is where the apathy comes in. This is why I feel as though I'm talking to myself when I pray. I talk to my kids, and they know more about Christ and God, than I do. This should shock me, but it doesn't. It amazes me that in my spiritual walk, I need to become the student of my four year old and two year old, and him the teacher. I can't wait for some real fellowship and discipleship. Where adults won't turn me away with snobbery. Soon the day will come when we move. Yay, yay!