Steps leading where?

This here is a step. A step to where........not too sure yet, but I hope its a good one. I've been feeling quite crazy lately and just stuck on dumb. I say things that sound good, but then I question if I belived the words. The more I questioned, the easier it got to just say I didn't care. Anyone who knew me before would know that this is a huge back step. Ever since I've had Christ in me, I somehow found the love in people. Before I was very hateful and depressed. Well, I almost got to the point where I crossed that line. The more I tried to straighten up, the more I realized I dug a very deep hole for myself. It's almost like an addiction. An addiction that satan feeds until the darkness comes back. I have found myself in the dark on and off the past month or so. Right after our loss, I thought, "Hey, I'll give myself a couple of weeks, and then I'll be getting on with my life with my family. I even had a big project for myself. I had a damaged hope chest that my sister was going to throw out, and redid the whole thing. When I finished, I was still left with the pain. Then I thought, I would rush back to work doing third shift, and try that to get rid of it. I couldn't sleep. Insomnia was making me feel like my body wasn't even real, so I gave up. I quit. I tried doing the house wife thing: clean house all day, cook food, and then clean some more. I sunk. Sunk deeper and deeper with every attempt. I pushed down all of the pain into a hiding place. I didn't even realize I was doing it. I lied to people when they asked how I was doing. I told them I was doing better. But it seems that no one wants to hear that I'm still stuck with my emotions. I even skipped church this past weekend, because a girl I knew from church just had a baby a week ago, and I couldn't bare the pain. I was so happy for her, but I couldn't help but feel jeolous. I'm going through an addiction. These are the twelve steps........I need to get through these steps. I need to go through cleansing so that my soul may have a chance to heal itself. I need to go through rehab. Jesus rehab. I would have laughed at someone if they would have told me sins were like drugs. I've done the drugs. I stolen the items. I hurt the people. I stopped that life when I opened my heart to christ. I know I would never go near that lifestyle again. But I fell into another addiction, except this one had a mask. Laziness and ignorance has been the wall between me and christ lately. I am too lazy to pick up the bible, even once a week. Then when I do feel like reading it and actually have it in my hands, I can't grasp it. I read the words, and that's what they turn into again. Just words. Yeah it makes sense what its telling me, but for crying out loud where's the meat of it? Where is the part where it feels real? And this may never happen until I get my head out of my tail and get to work. Even if it just starts out as once a day, every day for ten minutes, the next week a half an hour and so on. I need this habit. I need this back into my heart. I need to be discipled one way or another. I definitely can't wait for our church to do it.

I quit smoking. I quit drugs. I quit stealing. Now its time to quit the addiction of laziness and ignorance. When I quit smoking, I was determined. It was probably the eleventh time I tried. But I had a goal. A goal to not see cigarettes in the hands of my kids because they saw me do it. A chance to give them a chance of a sturdier bridge than I had when I was a kid. My mom still smokes. I made up the thought in my head that if I said something enough I could start to believe it. Its hard to believe in something you can't see or shake hands with, or see an outline. But I tried this method. Everytime I craved a cigarette, I would say over and over inside my head: "If I can't, Jesus can." I would do this with my eyes closed until the craving stopped. Did this for hours. But the next day came cigarette free. Never went one day without before........Maybe its true. It's been a year next week since I quit, and that is finally something I didn't do by myself. Lets see how strong I can let Him be in my life.