I never know what to say in this thing anymore. Whatever works at the time, I guess. My family is in a non-stop search for what God wants from us, as well as does He care which way we turn. Do we have a choice where we will have His approval no matter what? That has been a brain stopper. This is my brain: Iwant to move to Texas, but I don't want to have to move a thousand miles away from my mom while leaving her by herself. I want to work at home and homeschool the kids, as well as show the people we love here what we have been talking about for so long. The emerging church. There's a definite need here. And every place is to be different, but joined. We haven't had much experience with it so far, but that's why I want to start something here. Not right now, but when Scott and us move (If its anywhere near here), then we could gather up those people who have been talking about this, and stir the pot and get it going. I'm not sure if I'm a leader or not, but I know that I can at least start a pretty good fire when there is need. But I also want the experience of it too, before I start a fire that will blow out quickly.

This is why we have meditation. My problem is that my whole self is always on the go. This is why I have trouble paying attention to a long sermon, and another why I can't pray the way I want to. I am hoping to fix this problem. We have a prayer night at our church where we sit down with a huge list of prayer concerns, and pray for each individual on that list. I have done this by myself once, but I had to take breaks because my thoughts would start rolling. We are going to have an annointing ceremon this weekend. I think this is an enormous step for this church. I think it is well needed, everywhere. I just learned about what it was tonight.

Someone once put a mirror to my face and asked me what I saw. I wanted to say Jesus, but I knew that wasn't true. Not by how I live my life. There's love in there, yes, but mostly a lot of frustration and confusion due to the busy brain waves fluttering through my brain of gorging thoughts. I'm selfish, picky, and impatient. I let other poeple's emotions imprint my own in seconds. Everytime I'm around someone who is angry, I turn so quickly, I don't know what hit me. I get angry and depressed so fast, and I never know what to do to get rid of it. I try to act like I'm fine, but I can't vontrol this person sometimes. I have fallen from my path and I feel it is because I strived too hard to get on the right path I just lost it all together. I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone, but this is what goes through my sinking mind.